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Mum There is so Much I Want to Say..

by Diana
Mum there is so much to Say

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Mum, there is so much I want to say to you, but don’t know where to start.
I need you to know I love you and always will. I want you to feel proud of me. I am trying to understand your journey, it’s the first time for me too.

Mum there is so much to SayLife is strange, isn’t it? There is no instruction manual on getting old and how to do it right. Mum I am trying to understand how scared you are, I am finding it hard as I am not there yet.

I know each day brings more bad news as you lose another friend and you wonder when your day is up? This has to be scary! I understand the words I speak and yet I don’t fully understand their meaning.

Mum There is so Much I Want to Say

I know you feel me stumble and you want to help me understand.  It’s me who has to help myself and try to understand. Sometimes I don’t know how to get over myself and I know you must find this frustrating. Yet kindly you will put it down to my lack of years.

You are right I think.
Do we only get to understand mortality in our later years? Is it something we come to accept? I really want to know..

I am so sorry for my lack of patience and I know you forgive me because you are the parent and I the child. I want to look after you and for you to never worry and I am not sure how to do this best? Please help me.
I want to keep you safe and healthy but I don’t want to limit you or control you, why is this so hard? How do I do this best?

Mum There is so Much I Want to Say

Mum there is so much to SayYou see I have so many questions and no real answers. I will do my level best to always treat you as my superior, as the wise one, even if you suffer from dementia. Ageing is the scariest time of our lives and you are still teaching me about this journey. I will forever be grateful and hope when my time comes that I can be as dignified.

Mum even when I am not physically with you, I am always with you. You are in my thoughts constantly. You have given me so many precious memories. There are not enough ways to say thank you.

I want to make this part of your life, good too. Help me help you.
I know I probably get you down with my nagging, it’s just that I worry about you. I know you are the adult and I the child, but still, it does not stop me worrying. I want to take your pain and make things better but am not sure how?

I will try my best not to be the parent to you. I know you deserve far more.

Mum There is so Much I Want to Say

Mum There is So Much to SayLife goes by so fast and am only just beginning to understand and appreciate this. You know far better than me. I am sad some of our story has passed, I ache for the moments we have had. Time is fleeting, I want to capture it and bottle it and keep it forever but I can’t and one day you will leave.

The sadness I feel at this thought is immense and halts my breath, there is no-one like you, you are my parent, the centre and anchor of my world. I cannot imagine my life without you.

I love you, admire you and thank you for all of your love and for all that you have given me.
I love you and I am the child.

This was written whilst caring for an elderly person and the journey prompted the writing of the book ‘Any Age Gap Year – The Complete Guide to ‘Live in Care’ in the UK, you can find more details here https://www.mysixtypluslife.com/any-age-gap-year-the-complete-guide-to-becoming-a-live-in-care-in-the-uk/

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