Fanny Pack Boy Scout of Advancing Years
There is one particular breed of male creature that I am most allergic to and that is the ‘Fanny Pack Boy Scout of Advancing Years’. First off, it really isn’t very attractive to wear a ‘Fanny Pack’, in no way do they scream male magnetism. Have you seen them featured in GQ in the last 5 years? No.. so perhaps a heads up, not in style.
They just sort of ‘Yell for Help’ desperately saying, “I left my manhood behind some years ago and what I kept is in this bag!”
My most recent find of this particular species was heard saying in a sort of slow-mo warbling voice ‘It’s absolutely tops because now I can fit my Penknife( code for manhood) into this retro Man’s Bag aka ‘fanny bag'”. On first looking at him I couldn’t see it and then finally spotted the offending piece of retro fashion nestled in the shadows of his protruding stomach, more aptly resembling a very large caterpillar’s midriff, hard to tell where chest ended and pubic bone began. As layer upon layer of blubber, set in soft round roles had given up the thought of moving and now rested comfortably over belt where Fanny pack held on for grim death. His forgotten six-pack a distant memory one is hopeful that it once existed in the salad days of his schoolboy years.
If this is you, I think it’s time to have a word with a psychiatrist and your nutritionist, I would assume your wife has left for more interesting parts.
Now if this is you and you also shoot Deer and hunt foxes then I think, your cure is probably lethal. Worse, if you are a Son of an elderly parent and you turn up wearing a fanny pack and talking with a drooling, ‘long drawn-out over-pronounced vocal vomit, I hope for your parents’ sake they are deaf and slightly blind.
More than this if you arrive in your slightly feminine, androgynous ensemble, complete with your latest version of your ageing ‘Fanny Pack’ and proceed to invent and instruct on your version of the ‘Magna Carta’, I hope for your sake, I am not there with your shotgun. If I am I shall make sure to use your taxidermist to have you stuffed and mounted, complete with your fanny pack.
This kind of creature is one of the latest in my collection of my most allergic to ‘Species’. Strangely, these are ‘a well-documented breed’ and most prevalent among the well-heeled and highly privileged. Often born of strong parents, they make up for their lack of character via bombastic and ridiculous ensembles. Their biggest flaw is their mouth, once open seemingly is incapable of closing, there must be a design flaw.
If you are the unfortunate parent of one of these offspring I feel terribly sorry for you and wish you well, my only answer to this problem it to perhaps take advantage of your failing sight and lack of hearing and be grateful for both. Unfortunately the rest of us suffer along, to this creatures never-ending accounts of absolutely nothing, whilst slurping eagerly on our extremely strong alcoholic beverages created specifically for such events.
The problem is with this creature is that it doesn’t seem to lose energy or have any idea that its noise annoys others! so it continues and may go off on one of its’ shooting trips only to return more energised and louder. It would seem nothing would subdue this particular specimen. It forever seeks new boundaries of how to annoy, instead of going quietly into this good night, it will go out regaling something in Latin from his all-boys Public school thoroughly annoying the rest of us. It will be loud and over pronounced, it will smile insincerely while looking ahead to see if he recognizes any old school day ‘Chums’. They too will be wearing ‘Fanny Packs’.
Surely there is something that can be done about these creatures, the words they use say they care, their actions say they don’t. A son who is concerned only about himself and his enjoyment of life, that he would not enjoy without his parents’ generosity of his privilege, is really not worth the time of day.
It makes me so angry and the only grown up in the room is the parent of 98yrs who is frail and scared and so alone in a world that is hard to recognise with most of his contemporaries gone who knows where it’s a lonely life. Made better one hopes by the relationship with the child but when the child is so self-obsessed it is hard to see and understand.
I beg you ‘Grown-up Fanny Pack Men’ take a moment to consider your actions, take a moment to consider your parents and the life they have led, the scrimping and the saving to put you through good schools and give you a privileged start on life.
Don’t be a pussy, be a man, let go of your ‘Fanny Pack’ and see the world and your parent and how strong and how silent and how alone they are. Consider for one moment your life like this and make it better for them.
They have so little time left, make it the best.
This was written whilst caring for an elderly person and the journey prompted the writing of the book ‘Any Age Gap Year – The Complete Guide to ‘Live in Care’ in the UK, you can find more details here https://www.mysixtypluslife.com/any-age-gap-year-the-complete-guide-to-becoming-a-live-in-care-in-the-uk/